Dear Parent and Investor,

We are terribly sorry to inform you that the money you have been depositing into your child’s college funds are gone. Our investment company is going bankrupt, and therefore you currently have no cash put aside for your child’s future formal education-despite the fact you’ve faithfully paid into the fund and entrusted us with your money.

While we are quite sorry about all this, we really can’t take responsibility. Despite going after new consumers tooth and nail to hand over their finances to us, stretching our resources to the maximum, and unwisely investing your money, these things just happen. Unfortunately, although we are receiving a portion of the bailout funds from the federal government, we really have no way of paying back any amount of your cash deposits.

We’re a big company with lots of employees to (now) avoid paying, not to mention our CEO who must receive his guaranteed $3 million in yearly bonuses on top of his exorbitant 8 figure salary.

After all, he certainly wants to make sure his kids get to go to college.

It is our hope that you will be successful in continuing to provide for your child’s future-without our help of course. We sincerely believe in the value of education and the hope that all children represent for the future.

Good luck,

Your College Fund Investment Company